How About Them Relationships?

Song of the Day: Stay Young, Go Dancing by Death Cab For Cutie

*Gasp* THE DRAMA!

It's been a long time since I wrote a blog post, and oh boy has life been crazy since then! All good crazy. Alllll good crazy. Anxiety is on the low end, I've moved into a new home, and I have a new job that actually uses my degree for something. Who'da thunk it. All of that in mind, I have no intention of discussing that today. Instead, I wish to discuss a matter that's very close to my heart (hee hee), and has been a topic of many conversations of late: relationships.



Thomasiiiina, what are you thinking offff?

I was talking with someone late last week; for the sake of this post we'll call her "Thomasina." And while I was talking with "Thomasina," the topic of my relationship with Amanda came up.

Now, with "Thomasina" this topic has come up a number of times, in one way or another, and some of the stuff she has had to say has been befuddling me. She asked me in my most recent conversation if Amanda and I have had our first fight, to which I said "yes."

What ensued was a very interesting talk on arguments, and when I got to the point where I said "but eventually Amanda realized that she was in the wrong and apologized," I got a weird, judgmental look. "Thomasina" made this unpleasant face and she said: "That's not right." She went on to add that: "The most my boy will get from me is a 'whatever.'" The whole discussion bugged me, and at the end of it I needed to walk away because I had nothing more to say. "Thomasina" simply could not see my point of view, and I was having a hard time understanding hers. It's rare that I'm judged for having an emotionally healthy and stable relationship that is based on equality, let alone judged poorly. And this has come up a number of times with "Thomasina".

Now I want to make a few things clear: I like to cook. I enjoy (some aspects of) homemaking, such as tidying up and redecorating. I enjoy doing these things both with and for Amanda. "Thomasina" seems to be under the impression that I'm "not a real man" if I enjoy these things and that Amanda is "not a real woman," if she does not enjoy them, or if she is not good at these things. She seems to think that the roles of the relationship have become horribly damaged in my case, and I have some terrible relationship. To her, the man is supposed to bring home the bacon and watch television while the woman cooks, cleans and "takes care of her man."

Maybe this is just me, but this mindset disturbed me a bit. I believe that a relationship works when there is mutual "taking care of" and respect for each other's, and your own, feelings, beliefs, and desires. I don't believe in the following relationship stereotypes:

Priorities, man!

1. The woman takes care of the man.
2. The man does manly stuff: job, football, bacon-bringing, etc
3. The woman does the cleaning.
4. The woman does the cooking(No! If I like it, I'm gonna do it.)
5. The woman's always right.
6. Never apologize or admit fault.
7. All fights are a sign about the state of your relationship. i.e. one fight means your relationship is crumbling. (If an argument makes you think that, then you don't have the strongest foundation, do you?)
8. The relationship comes first. The significant other comes first. You come last.

I mean, yes, I could argue that the stereotypes are born out of codependency, as I clearly do above. But, to me, it outlines an even deeper problem that is ingrained in the minds of some people. It's sexism, plain and simple. The above stereotypes are codependent, sexist relationship stereotypes. Telling someone that he's "not a man," or that she's "not a woman," because he or she does not conform to the predetermined "sex roles" of a relationship is, to me, wrongheaded thinking. And it makes me sad that this kind of thinking is still alive and well.

Or maybe I'm being too sensitive to stuff. I tend to be a little too sensitive.

Now I'm not saying "be selfish in your relationship." It's not black and white like that - it's not "either I take care of you, or I take care of myself." But taking care of each other, while also maintaining a sense of self - a sense of independence - is key. You can do that without taking advantage, and yes! It's even possible to not conform to the aforementioned "roles" and still have a healthy relationship!

As I said, I believe in balance and equality. No, that doesn't mean I believe in not holding doors open for women or helping women when you see they're struggling with too much stuff. We should hold doors open for the people behind us, and help anyone in need, period, because that's polite and decent. I believe in fairness in a relationship. I believe in open communication that is centered on resolution, and not on "being right." I do not believe in relationship "roles."

End rant.