Today my mom, dad, grandmother and I are headed out to Maine for a week. I am extremely excited, have been packed all morning, and I'm waiting for the others to get ready. I figured that this was perfect time to write a post.
We have gone to Maine every year since 2009, and before then at least once every couple of years. In '09 I couldn't go on my parents' summer trip given I was undergoing RA training. However, they took me on a side trip Columbus Day weekend and I learned how spectacularly beautiful Maine is in the fall. After that, they adjusted the schedule in the future years in order to ensure I could go to the summer. And we returned Columbus Day 2010!
I have always loved Maine - I was raised to love Maine. To me, it has become associated with great times and a remarkably relaxing experience. It seems as though every time I've gone, I've been going through a difficult time, and Maine helps shift my perspective. It's as though our vacations to Maine are integral to my stepping forward. Last year, 2012, I wasn't going through anything rough, though in 2011 I was struggling mightily with a breakup and it was Maine that helped clear my head, albeit only a little.
This year, I'm going through a very different kind of struggle. One that is mostly internal, and has been brought up a number of times - that is, my anxiety. Lately it's taken a bit of a spike; no doubt because I can tell I am entering a major transitional phase of my life and a lot of things are up in the air. I have spent much of my time since February this year panicking about health and, in particular, cancer. It has been frustrating, troublesome, exhausting (emotionally, mentally and physically) and disheartening. I have been unable to understand why I can't let things go; why when I get anxious, I have to check the part of my body I'm anxious about - it's not an option; if I don't check it I think about it and can't move on. However, when I check it, I perceive something as wrong and I panic about it anyway. If nothing is wrong, I continue to check it, just to be sure, and ultimately find something wrong. It's an incessant need to assess and control the situation.
I go on this trip with a sense of hope, and with a mission. I hope that I can find the means by which I can truly move on from this horrible phase in a more permanent way - that something will shift as it always has when I've gone to Maine and I can be in a better, more relaxed place when I return. My mission is this: to not get anxious this week. To not check myself for any signs of disease. To let go and enjoy being in the beautiful state of Maine - to truly be on vacation and let it be the breath of fresh air I desperately need. It will take discipline, but I know I can do it.
I hope that I will successfully complete this mission of mine.
-Tom
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